J'en ai Marre! Right now I feel like the stupidest human on earth. The fact that who I am enough to put me down on a lower spectrum than everyone else, makes me feel like a crappy apple. J'en ai Marre, I'm fed up. Very fed up, there have been a lot of moments in my life where I felt could not compare to the future disappointment and disgust, I always compare the past and future moments as being less terrible then the one I am experiencing. From being hit by a car, splitting my chain while riding my bike, to the sadness family God could give me. I have felt alone, worthless, disappointed and discourage to the point I feel like I should lay down and watch the world run its course. But I don't because that's not how god made me. God know since the beginning of my existence, that I would be birth into the world of waste, and so I was. When you ate lunch by yourself one too many times, you know what loneliness feels like. When you hide on the stairway to eat lunch, embarrassed and fear that someone will see you and laugh, you die inside a little. When you procrastinate, not because you want to, but your mind has made the decision to give up, and you can't control it anymore, like an addict on drugs and an alcoholic who walks dizzy in the street, as word of illusion pour out of his facture mind, you know you've lost it. There is so much disgust in this world that every minute I take time to look at it, I feel a jerk in my heart, a sharp actual pain, and I pull back to nothingness. If you say you've been to hell and back, well you should have stay there because earth is the true hell. When God made earth, it was perfect, he liked it primitive, unknown, nude, and simply. When that rule was broken, earth becomes someone else territory. Now I know what you're thinking, I'm trying to convert you and what's all this God stuff. Believe whoever you want to believe, so long that belief is just and right, so long it lead you to the right path, and protects you from the thorns along the way, and never leaves you to sway on the wrong path, then believe it. No matter your faith, religious or personal, it holds the same principles; the same value and feeling you get when you understand it, and stand by it. Lie, but know that it's a sin, because when you lie, you're lying to yourself. In your head you have already opened a path for your soul to be misled. And what-so-ever you say, is the righteous and agreeable. When you steal-consider that you are a theft; you are no higher or lower than other thieves. You might translate STEALING INTO ANOTHER LANGUAGE, like borrowing, taking, but they know you, and you'll return it, you can't be caught, so why not, you have to, you can't stop, but have you ever consider that the one who will always catch you in the act is yourself. Have you ever felt that second pause-that you catching yourself stealing, so who are you truly stealing from, when you are truly stealing your own judgment. You must not murder, but we all do. Murder does not have to be physical, or inflected on someone else. You can murder you identity, murder your self-worth, murder your emotions, murder the hopes and dreams you ones grasp on to, or the victory you could almost taste. Murder the spirit of those around you, murder an animal, for whatever reason you have for doing it, and then murder-as murder is intended. Love your neighbor, like you would love yourself. But what if you don't love you self, what if you treat yourself with more hatred then those you have shown hate to, what if all the wrong you think about others, is exactly what you think of yourself. Then loving someone else becomes difficult. Then there are those who love other more than they could ever love themselves, the unconditional compassion they show to people, they fall short of showing themselves. So instead of loving your neighbor or treating those like you would want to be treated- just love yourself, and learn to love yourself, treat yourself with unconditional compassion, then when you look or think about someone else, look at them like a mirror reflecting you. Then you can truly love that person. Why am I saying this-because the feeling that i am feeling, go deeper than any ocean, darker then the depth of the ocean and vaster and hollow then the whole ocean itself. I felt the gravity of dark thoughts that hurt my soul. I am crying as I write this because those principles and values I govern myself by, seem vague when I am feeling this emotion. I stand by my all mighty god, whoever he maybe. As my dark spirit became to spread within me, he reminded me to love and forgive those people that treated me like I was an unintelligent, illiterate, Short, Stupid, African monkey. So while feeling this the spirit of strength and ambitiousness came upon me, and I stubbornly wrote this to my teacher in an email: "I really wanted to work with my team, The paper they send me needed editing but after I edited the information and added what I thought was needed, they decided to stick with their own, and I know I am already going to fail, I don't want to fail on this assignment, and it hurts my feeling that they are not even trying to look at my information, so even though I am going to present with them, I am going to send my version also." I attached my assignment and PowerPoint and send it to her. You see, I am a shy, quiet person, and I give everyone changes, I might judge but my judgments is never too strong, because I want to allow room to see peoples view and personality. I want to see through their walls, before making my conclusion to their character. So I did, with the group I had to present with. 3 boys, all high and mighty of their selves, all want the easy way in life, and all lazy. So this is the category my teacher put me in, because she feel got the impression from the survey we took in class that I WAS like these 3 men. So I accepted her gratitude, I tried my best to get out of my comfort zone, till the end. Today is Friday, Thursday, May 9th 3013, I worked my finger all day on those computer keys, in hope that my finish product would be read and accepted. I welcomed feedback and opinion with joy. I felt accomplished of myself, which I hadn’t felt in a long time, I thought I was going strong. The group had already made their version of the assignment, they sent it to me, they encouraged editing and revising, adding of sensible information and so-forth. So that's what I delivered, not because I didn't like their version, but I saw mistakes-a lot of mistakes that needed some revisions. But in the end, they handed me crappy apples, didn't take a single breath to read my paper, or look at my PowerPoint. They wanted to stay with the old. To make this worst, then disregarding my efforts, they give my two sentences to read out of their 10 slide PowerPoint. The guy keeps speaking down to mw, like I couldn't understand his native tongue, because I apparently couldn't speak English. I was an African, who was treated like an African, and in the end, the teacher could care less. So I am posting my article and PowerPoint to this blog, because my hard work won't be wasted-life goes on even after you feel dead inside.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
UWant to know about us, know about yourself first. No need to be fancy, just an overview XD Archives
August 2014
Categories |